Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Today Anna, Ayva and Justin are 5 months old! I cannot believe that it has already been 5 months since I had them. I miss them in my belly. I loved being pregnant and miss feeling them kick inside. But I think I love seeing their faces and watching them grow even more. I just look at them and words can't describe how much love I have for these three precious babies. I thank god every day for giving me these three angels and would not wish on even the worst day that I did not have them. It's hard to believe I would be at this day looking back at when it all started. When they were born- it was a very scary time for me. I was so worried that something bad would happen to them because they were born so early. And then they all got group b strep infections and those were really scary times. They all got sick and had to go back on the ventilators. As I sit here tears come to my eyes thinking about it. I prayed everyday that they would be strong and make it through. And they did. I was SO thankful to finally take home my babies. Two months in the NICU is a long time. I felt like I was cheated. I felt like they were cheated. Not being able to be held as much as any other baby would. Not being home. Having to be poked and prodded. No baby should have to go through that. No baby should have to have IV's and spinal taps and X-rays and PICC lines. But they did and I feel deeply sorry for them. Some days I blame myself for not having been able to carry them longer. But I have to remind myself that it couldn't be helped. That it wasn't my fault. I did the best I could and I look into their eyes now and I know that it WAS good enough. That they will not remember those days in the hospital. Those lonely nights away from their mommy and daddy. They will remember the good times. Growing up with a happy family. And I fully intend on it being the best family that we can be. It is my job as a mom to do that. I feel so lucky to know that even though there are rough times- we as a family will always make it through.